Saturday, April 29, 2006

someone to watch over me

So I've been on T for what, about three weeks now? I've had two half doses, and I'm going to get my first full dose on Tuesday the 7th. I haven't noticed too many changes, and I don' t know if anyone else has noticed anything different- I imagine y'all aren't watching me like hawks or anything, but I'm counting on you to let me know if something seems different! I think I might miss things as they happen gradually. On the other hand, since I have been eyeing myself every morning and night with aquiline intensity, I think I'm more likely to exaggerate any changes than miss them altogether. Perhaps it's the folks around me who won't notice, as I shift.
I'm sure it's the folks who'll go long periods between seeing me- my family, who won't see me til August, or my friends that I don't see very regularly- who are going to notice the changes the most, given that the accumulation of many small changes will add up to a big difference to them.

Anyway, here's what I've noticed thus far, in my three weeks at 100mg every two weeks.

Voice:
This is one of the changes I'm anticipating most eagerly, and while there hasn't been anything drastic yet, I can definitely feel it changing. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels like my voice is opening up at the bottom. My normal voice sounds the same to me, but I can feel it more easily sinking down lower when I try to put on authoritative voice, and when I'm singing, I can go lower more easily. Also when I'm singing it feels more unpredictable. I've never had much control over my voice (so much enthusiasm, so little skill!) but now it feels intractable in a less familiar way- I'm even less certain of what note is going to come out of my voice when I try to match Alan Jackson's drawl.

Skin, etc:
I've had a little acne breakout, but not very bad at all (yet?). I've been fairly strict about my new skincare regimen- face scrub in the shower, face cleansing pads at night, moisturizer in the morning- and I think that's probably helping. No new hairs noticed, yet. I have been sweating more than usual, but I'm uncertain whether to blame the T or the new springtime warm weather or a combination of both.

Muscles:
No beefcake Eli yet. Since I haven't gone to the gym in months, and since my before bed crunches and situps routine has dwindled from diligent to occasional, I can't say that I'm surprised.

(Let's talk about!) Sex:
First, here is an open invitation for family members, professors, employers and others who probably don't need to know about my sex life to skip this section or at least, to save us both embarrassment, pretend that you have. Okay.
I haven't noticed a quantitative increase in my libido, but given that I already had the sex drive of a teenage boy, I'm not so surprised. I have, however, noticed the beginnings of some qualitative changes in my libido. More on this later, as I have more data to back it up, but basically, arousal seems to be more physically based, as opposed to mentally. I've always had an *ahem* active imagination, but lately it seems that when I'm getting turned on, it doesn't always stay in my head, but rather, rushes down southward more quickly. Is this making any sense? Maybe I can be more scientific about it: I seem to be having a stronger physiological reaction to sexy things, rather than my usually highly intellectual appreciation of said sexiness.
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So that's what I've been noticing lately. I guess I should probably take another round of pictures, though I don't think I look any different at all than I did two weeks ago. My hair's a bit shaggier, maybe, and I'm not quite as pale (thank you fire escape/sun deck), but I really think I look basically the same. In fact, I had to work to write this at all, because I've been so busy trying to curb my impatience that I've almost got myself convinced that there's no way that ANY changes could've manifested yet, given the brevity of the time that I've been on T, and the low dosage.

It's a little weird to be writing this. I spent such a long time reading other guys' transition diaries that it's almost like there's a script I should be following. I'm trying hard to stay focused on me right now, and not what my expectations are based on other people's experiences. I want to be aware and conscious of my self, and my journey, even as it echoes the journeys of my compatriots.

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Canada said...

Susan continues to surprise us with her ability to take songs from diverse genre, reach deep within her soul, and pour out a fountain of emotion, creating something that captures the song's essence so we hear it new as we listen over and over. She just as adeptly swoons us with a saucy 40's-like bar room ballad "Lilac Wine," then mesmerizes us with haunting yet innocent versions of the 80's new wave classics "Mad World" by Tears for Fears and "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode. She cries with emotion and hope as she pleads with God, "You have to Be There," and dreams of her love's "Return." There's nothing Karaoke about this collection. Susan sings from the heart, with a passion that makes each song new.