Saturday, April 01, 2006

see clearly now

Since making the decision to go to Dr. Brownstein for surgery, I've had a strange aversion to looking at Transster and FTMSurgeryInfo and all of the other wonderful repositories of images and information about surgery results.

Honestly, it has a rather fatalistic feel to it. This surgery is going to happen, and it's going to bring out a more authentic Eli, and so in some sense, I don't really want to be looking at other guys' results. I don't want to freak myself out, just as I don't want to build up an anticipation of an imagined future- I'm not going to have a "Dr. Brownstein chest" but rather my own.

In other words, I know that I'm going to have this surgery, I'm confident (hopeful!) that it's going to go well, and I am going to do everything I can (keep working out, taking my vitamins, etc) to ensure that I get a good result, and then it's going to be me. My chest. Whatever my body is meant to look like.

Now, I'm pretty sure this will have some periodicity to it, and there will be times between now and August 9th that I go back to those images, to get an idea of what to expect. I'll get too excited or too nervous, and I will once again scour the internet for images of possibility.

For now, though, I'd rather not infringe on my anticipation of my own self.

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