Friday, February 17, 2006

real quick

Everything I think about opens up at least three more possible paths of contemplation, discussion, exploration. I wrote a bit in my lj about an experience I had at the bar last night, with a drunken boy who asked me if I was "biologically speaking a boy or a girl?"

This ties to things I've discussed already, like my responsibility to educate the masses in conjuntion with my desire for a less fraught existence. (I've never liked using fraught without a definite buddy word- fraught with peril!- but since I always have trouble articulating just which nouns my life is fraught with, I think I'll just let it stand for a moment.)

Also, with notions of legitimacy and authenticity. I replied to him that I'm a fag, which is perhaps, strictly speaking, not entirely accurate. (See! Am I a legitimate fag despite the fact that I mostly date women-type-folks?) And this reminds me of thoughts I've had recently about Friendster. Did I share those on here? I can't recall. Basically, someone messaged me on Friendster, and I spent some time wondering if she would figure out that I was trans based on my profile/pictures/testimonials, and briefly contemplated deleting the testimonials which used Em or 'she' in them.

I don't want to. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm committed to not divorcing myself from my history as a female/dyke, and to not being ashamed of it. But wow, that committment is harder to stand behind when I'm being interrogated, visually or verbally or however. In such situations, my instinct is to clam up, and get defensive, and...well...hide.

I'm sure this will become a pressing issue along different points for me in the future, when I'm passing consistently to the casual observer. At that point, it will become much more of a choice for me to disclose or not.

The legitimacy of my manhood is critically important to me, and right now, it's hard for me to simultaneously hold fast to that legitimacy and Transness? Difference? XX chromosomes? (as far as I know- I've never had my chromosomes tested) It's a goal of mine to be able to proudly and openly be a different kind of man- a queer man, a transman. And it's hard right now while I'm still being constantly read as no kind of man whatsoever.

I think that's it. It's why I don't wear anything that's remotely feminine, despite my obvious effeminacy. When I'm not being taken seriously as male, I guess I'm not strong enough to depart from the binary yet. Right now, I just need that M box to hold me together.

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