Thursday, February 23, 2006

couldn't guarantee

Took me a while to open this up this afternoon because I wasn't sure what to say- the prospect of having something worthwhile to say every single day seemed suddenly a bit daunting. But now that I've got it open, I'm wondering where to start, because the thoughts come roiling up into my brain again. Last night in group the topic was "surgery and hormones" which felt very appropriate, as I've been fixating on those two topics rather extensively these days.

Folks shared different concerns and experiences and hopes, and it all seemed to come boiling back down to the fact that no two guys will have the same puberty. Which may seem self-evident, but that doesn't stop all of us from eagerly asking each other "How long will it take for my voice to drop?" "Will I lose weight or gain it?" etc. Hard to forecast the future, even as we study each other and draw generalizations.

I've been logging lots of time on Transster lately- even at work, in my spare minutes, which is probably not the best idea, given the vague inappropriate feeling of doing personal medical research on company time, let alone medical research that often includes pictures of shirtless people. But I can't stop combing the internet for glimpses of my future.

Everything is a possibility, and I look for patterns in surgical work and body types to try to extrapolate onto myself. Like T, though, it seems that the only rule is that everyone has a different experience, and individual results.

I think it'll be important for me to really accept/internalize the notion that I'm still going to have my body. It's going to change, and some of those changes will be subtle, and some will be drastic, but it's still going to be mine. I mean that in two ways, I think. The first is a reminder not to go hog wild in my hopes/expectations. These changes are going to be variations on a theme, which is already created- despite my spot-on Derek Zoolander impression, I'm probably not going to end up as a male model.

And by the same token, whatever my body ends up looking like, it's going to be my body, and so a man's body, and a valid one, and a good one. I will be able to use it and enjoy it and be happy, even if I end up with more prominent scars or less sensitive nipples or patchier facial hair or more of a beer belly than I want. I'm certainly getting good use out of it now, despite its less than ideal manifestation, and I know that I'll be able to be cheerful about it in the future.

The whole point (I think- hmm) of this physical transition is to get myself a body that lets me live more truly and move through the world more comfortably, and...well...pretty much any further degree of masculinity is going to make me more comfortable.

I don't know. I think this is all coming from a thought that I had while walking to work this morning, that maybe I should just toss Transster out the window and call Dr. Brownstein and book an appointment, because I know that he'll do a good job, and I'll end up with solid results, and regardless of whether some other surgeon might have preserved a little more sensation or a little less scarring, I'll be happy with it. Because I've been driving myself a tiny bit crazy trying to do all this research and explore all these options. There comes a point at which, while I know it's best to make the most informed choice possible, I also want to chuck it all and go with the first and most reputable guy I can get a hold of, and make this happen soon.

There's a whole web of possiblities for me, and I don't think I'm shortchanging myself in being decisive, and choosing a fate, because (Eli the optimist strikes again!) it's probably going to be fine, just fine.

Unless my nipples fall off. That would be pretty lousy.


Leander said...

Ha, ha! that is so similar to my thinking!! I keep thinking, well whatever happens, it will still be my unique body with it's scars and variation. And I can love that.

... But damn, I really hope my nipples don't fall off!

e-rood said...

I know, right? I've been thinking of you and your upcoming big events...remind when the recital is and when the surgery is, so I can send good thoughts for each on the appropriate occasion?