Miss Represented and Miss Interpreted, the Belles of the Ball

Yesterday my coworker vented to me about how it's upsetting to her when people (library patrons) refer to me with the wrong pronoun- she said that it's frustrating, particularly because we are in the school of social work, and these people of all people should be more sensitive and aware. And it's true- while everyone in the world, ideally, would be more sensitive and aware, it does seem that people who are choosing social work as their profession might be particularly well served if they made fewer assumptions and spent more time being aware of how their actions might be unknowingly oppressive/offensive.

And it was good to hear, particularly when she very kindly said that she didn't understand how they could mess up my pronouns when I'm so dedicated and consistent in my gender expression, and my other coworker later corroborated and said it throws her for a loop when people say "Oh, but she told me I could have it until 6pm" because she genuinely doesn't understand who they're talking about. which was very kind, and good to hear.

However, talking with the original coworker, expecially because she brought it up, also made me feel two other somewhat uncomfortable emotions. The first wasn't very strong, and I am rather ashamed of it, actually, but I definitely felt a thread of bitterness. It's just not fair that I try so hard, and I try to correct people, and tell people, and I am consistent and thorough in my gender presentation, as much as I can be given certain bodily limitations. It's painful and frustrating to still be misread and misrepresented. What more am I supposed to do? Put up signs?

and, as Alysse (coworker 1) said, can't they just gossip more, for goodness sakes? There are definitely students who know I'm a guy, and there are definitely students who know I'm a transguy, and you'd think word would spread one way or another so that people would at least know that Eli behind the desk should be called 'he.'

And the other emotion was a discomfitting rush of gratitude to Alysse for bringing this up. I spend so so so much of my energy and brainspace on this, and I have such guilt over that, and I worry so much about how much it spills over into my life and onto the people in my life, possibly (probably?) against their will or convenience. Consequently, whenever someone voluntarily brings up the topic with me I feel absurdly grateful. I want to thank them for offering me the chance to let a few more wild thoughts come rushing out of my head (who was the guy who kept the winds plugged up in a mountain, and only let them come rushing out a little at a time?), and for (knowingly or not) clearing some space for me.

And I'm cogent enough to realize that the fact that I'm grateful is a little fucked up on my part, but I'm still working on not being weirdly about myself, so we'll let it go for a second as we explore it.

And really, I don't know why I'm grateful, because at the same time I'm also guilty (fucked up again) that the people I care about have harder lives because of me- i.e they have to absorb some of the discomfort of my life into their lives, whether by being uncomfortable when other people call their guy friend Eli 'she' or by having the burden of then feeling like they have to correct that mistake. which I (more guilt!) absolutely benefit from, because everytime my friends deal with problems like that for me, it makes my life easier. it's one more skirmish I didn't have to carry out myself.

so when Alysse mentioned that, my feelings got all discombobulated, because I was bitter and grateful and guilty all at the same time.

What can I do, though? It's a complicated feeling to know that the people in my life notice, and care, that I'm living in the world as best I can and still getting a raw deal for it right now.