Wednesday, February 15, 2006

like a complete unknown

Haven't posted in days- my internet is spotty. I can't always borrow Fleury's computer at home, and it's only certain times at work that I can open this up and really get into things, because I really need a little chunk of time and space to create each of these entries. Then again, if I had a wireless card in my computer and could post to this whenever I wanted, well, there'd probably be entries morning noon and night- there's just so much for me to say, all the time. And I feel like I have been saying it, a lot- been going to therapy, and going to group Wednesday nights, and writing here, and in my other journals, and talking to my family, and my friends and compatriots...when I stop to think about how much of my life is focused at my gender, I feel a little silly sometimes. But hey. It's gotta be focused on something, right? Besides, this is the space that I created expressly for talking about my gender, so I won't use it up feeling guilty about being so self-focused these days. (except that is an interesting and pertinent topic for me, which no doubt does bear further exploration in an entry one of these days. why do I feel like it's not okay for me to focus on myself for a few years and give full attention to this major experience I'm having?)

Tonight I'm going to an appointment with an endocrinologist at CallenLorde- he'll do bloodwork, and a physical, and answer my questions, of which I have quite a list. I'm excited, but also a bit nonplussed, as I've pretty much already decided that I'm going to do this, I'm going to start taking testosterone. For a while I was couching this in uncertain terms ("Well, I'm talking to a doctor, and I think I might possibly start hormones in 2006") but now I'm starting to count down the days til March 20th.

I guess I've always had a lot of certainty in this area. For me it was never a question of which steps to take in my transition- I knew that if I were going to do this, I'd be going "all the way." Although as I type this I'm aware that my definition of all the way includes top surgery and T but not necessarily bottom surgery, so maybe I'm being a bit hasty here. I guess I mean going all the way to being fully male, not an androgynous/3rd gender/fully genderqueer type of person. Transition was always something that was a looming possibility, but once I decided, I wasn't going to do it by halves, by god!

And I haven't. I moved to New York to become a man, and that's what I'm doing.

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