Thursday, March 30, 2006

long time coming

It's been a while, hasn't it, friends? My busy life caught up with me for a while, and my internetting has been, consequently, less than up-to-date. The lack of writing does not indicate a lack of things to say, though. Quite the opposite, in fact! Let's do a quick catch-up first, shall we?

First (perhaps foremost?) is that I made a surgery decision. I'm having double-incision surgery with Dr. Brownstein in San Francisco on August 9th. I'm trying not to feel like I waited too long and have to settle for a less than ideal date (I'd have much preferred July) but now it's only 17 weeks away and I know the time is going to fly by. I've made a little thermometer diagram to hang on the fridge to keep track of my fundraising, and I'm nearly halfway there! I've got about $1600 in the bank thus far, and I need to have $3500. My wonderful mother is going to cover the other $4500, though I'm already scheming ways to pay her back someday.

Speaking of my wonderful mom, she was here for 10 days, and everyone who met her or interacted with her reminded me (as if I didn't already know) that there should be an award for Most Supportive Parent of a Transman Son, and that my mom should be the first recipient. It was excellent and empowering to have her around, and have her support in helping me make this decision.

We talked about all sorts of things, plenty of which I'll be rehashing here in the next few days as I get the time and space.

Feels like time and space have been funny, lately. Not enough of either for all of the things that are happening to me. Surgery date set, testosterone almost started (a tale of woe for another day), wonderful visit from mom (and dad, too, briefly!), going back to Group, thinking hard about middle names and consonant pairs (Elliott? Elliot? Elliott? Elliot?).

I'd like to say that I'm feeling good, which of course I am, but I'm also feeling extremely overwhelmed. There's so much happening right now that I can't quite focus on any of it enough to be truly engaged and excited. One thing at a time, Eli, one thing at a time. I'm hoping for some R&R this weekend to let me decompress. Tonight is whisky + donuts + mutual gender support (so good) with a new friend from Group, followed by karaoke with old friends from out of town. Friday night is for peace and quiet- I'm planning on housework and extra long blog posts, so be forewarned. Saturday is a long calm day at work (probably more blogging, too), followed by a big welcome home to Sophia as she returns (too briefly!) from overseas, and my Sunday is suddenly and deliciously free and open to possibility. Maybe I can go all day without thinking about my gender. That'd be nice, because all of a sudden my life is what's happening while I'm busy worrying about and planning and focusing on my transition.

Though, and I realize this is rather contradictory, at the same time, since there's so much for me to try to worry about and plan, I feel like it blends together and slips by me, too, such that I can't really focus on any of it. Hence the feeling of limbo. Maybe I need to work harder at keeping this all contained and only letting a little of it slip out at a time, just enough for me to be able to get a grip on and deal with before I let the rest out.

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