Human Resources professionals training

I received an email advertising for a training being held in early November for HR professionals around trans issues in the workplace. On an impulse, I forwarded it to a friendly woman I know in the HR office at my work, and lo and behold! She got back to me and promised to spread it around and see if they could send someone over to be trained. Sweet!

I thought I'd repost the information here, in case anyone in the New York/New Jersey area could use the info, perhaps to pass along to their own HR departments? Also, there's a link at the bottom to the website/blog of the woman who is running the workshop, and there are quite a few good resources there, as well.

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TRANSGENDER DIVERSITY WORKSHOP
for HR and Legal Professionals
Approved for 5 recertification credits by HRCI

Friday, November 2, 2007
9:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Bradley Center Sony Skybox
Ramapo College of New Jersey
Telephone: 201-684-7625

When a transgender employee or candidate comes into your office…What will you say? What accommodations can you offer? What does the law require? Over 150 of the Fortune 500 have amended their EEO policies to include"gender identity." Twenty-five states and 85 cities have law prohibiting employment discrimination based on gender identity, and federal legislation on the subject is pending before Congress. These developments mean that human resources and legal professionals must beready to confront difficult social and legal questions. How are you required to accommodate transgender employees and employee candidates? How are bathrooms and locker rooms affected? Does the law include cross-dressers? What training is needed to ensure compliance by others in your enterprise? This workshop gives you the information and skills to address these and other pertinent issues on the subject of transgender workplace diversity.

Online Registration
http://www.ramapo.edu/test/workshops/trans/form.html

Work Place Diversity Brochure (PDF)http://www.ramapo.edu/test/workshops/trans/docs/Transgender%20Workplace%20Postcard.pdf

This workshop involves collaborative learning using case study and role-play methods. It is guaranteed to be interesting, exciting and challenging. Registration for the workshop is $499 per person. All participants will receive a copy of Dr. Weiss's recent book, Transgender Workplace Diversity: Policy Tools, Training Issues and Communication Strategies for HR and Legal Professionals , which provides comprehensive, step-by-step discussion of the how-to's of transgender diversity issues . The workshop cost of $499 includes the book, breakfast and lunch.

Workshop Facilitator
Professor Jillian T. Weiss, J.D., Ph.D., is associate professor of Law and Society at Ramapo College. Her area of research is transgender workplace diversity issues, and she has conducted research involving hundreds of companies and public agencies that have adopted "gender identity" policies. She has written a dissertation and several articles in scholarly journals and books on transgender identity and the workplace. She has consulted with Fortune 500 companies and major public organizations regarding training, policy development and communications strategies in the area of gender transition, including Boeing, HSBC, KPMG, Viacom, the New York City Department of Homeless Services and the Bergen County Utilities Authority. Dr. Weiss is on the Board of Advisors of the National Center for Transgender Equality, and she publishes a popular blog on the subject of transgender workplace diversity, which may be found at http://transworkplace.blogspot.com

book!

I have to give a quick shout-out to the book I'm reading, Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. So good! The author is wicked smart, is writing from a very sensible perspective in clear articulate language that neither caters to the layperson nor obfuscates with jargon. She has a lot of fresh and new (to me, at least) ideas that make a whole truckload of good sense, and I have the feeling that once I've finished reading it (I'm about a quarter through thus far), I'm going to start over and read again, with a pencil to make notes in the margins. I highly recommend it.
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My sister and I have been talking/joking about writing a book. She's an excellent memoir writer, and has written quite a few beautiful short pieces about her/our childhood. I've got all these scraps thrown up hereon this blog, of course, as well as a lot more thoughts and ideas and memories that have yet to be written down. Reading this book Whipping Girl has got me thinking about the kind of book I'd like to write, and how, like this one, I'd like to be part of a project that's different from the Tranny Tell-All memoir that has been the standard to date.

I realize that last sentence sounds a bit disparaging, which is not my intent- I admire and applaud the few hardy folks who have published their stories for the rest of us. They've been trailblazers, certainly, and a great resource. I'm starting to think, though, about what kind of new stories could be written. We all have our own stories, of course, but mine is different from and yet the same as a lot of what's out there. I have in some ways a traditional arc to my narrative: tomboy to dyke to genderqueer to transman to trans man. But a) who's to say that's traditional? There are at least as many transmasculine storylines as there are identities- which is to say, a lot. and b) I have some unusual twists. I did not insist on my maleness from an early age- there was no "Where's my penis?" or "But I'm not a girl!" moments when I was little, though I had a plenty masculine childhood. But on the flip side, I came to an understanding or my gender relatively young, and was well underway in my transition by the time I was 20. Now, at 22, I'm looking forward to enjoying my early twenties and the rest of my life as a man, having never really lived as a woman. As a boyish girl child, and then a dyke-gendered adolescent female, but never a woman. So that's a perspective that I haven't seen published yet.

Not to mention, I have an incredibly articulate and literate twin, who might be just the person to collaborate with on a project like this.

It puts me in mind of that book What Becomes You that came out last year, jointly written by a (trans) man and his mother. I enjoyed it, too, because of its fresh perspective and lovely language, though I found it to be rather long winded and hard to take in some ways. Still, I think family projects are great when they can come together and offer multiple perspectives on such an interesting story.

chest at 14 months

Headline pretty much says it all. This is my chest (complete with patchy chest hair!) 14 months after my surgery. I've mostly given up rubbing anything into the scars, though I guess I still use the cocoa butter once every other day. One of these days I might try to pick up and use another tube of Mederma or that Palmer's Scar Serum, but I'll probably give it a while and see how they continue to fade. It's interesting to see and feel my chest continue to 'settle' and it'll probably change shape some over the course of my whole life as I'm active/muscular or not. I still don't have much feeling in my nipples, though more than I used to, for sure. I'm still perfectly happy and content with my shape, so much so that it's hard to remember being shaped any other way.

of UTIs and authenticity

I had an experience at the doctor's office today that's left me a bit nonplussed; I suppose I'll need to get used to explaining myself, when I move out of NYC and away from my very knowledgeable, respectful doctor. I was startled today because I did go to Callen-Lorde, which is the LGBT center- I guess it's too much to ask for that even the medical professionals at an LGBT health center be totally professional and knowledgeable around trans issues.

I had to make a last minute appointment this morning, having developed my first ever (wicked uncomfortable!) UTI. My usual doctor isn't in on Thursdays, so I got sent upstairs to see whichever PA had a free appointment. Anyway, it was a fairly routine trans patient/clueless doctor situation:

I explained to him my suspicions of having a UTI, that I'd never had one but that Google and all of my friends had diagnosed me. He started asking about symptoms and behaviors on my part, and right about when he started asking me about what my penis looked like is when I realized that he didn't know my trans status. I'd discovered, in my assiduous Googling of symptoms, that UTIs are much more common in female-configured folks. I'd guess that most folks who are assumed to be female are pretty readily assumed to have one of those pesky UTIs, but that male presenting folks are questioned more thoroughly to rule out other possibilities, since it's not so common to have a UTI. Or maybe this guy always asks these questions.

In any event, I thought it prudent to enlighten him as to my actual genital configuration, and interrupted with "Um, I don't know if it says anything on my chart, but I'm trans."

He stopped, and quickly ran through the not unfamiliar puzzled-shocked-embarrassed-nervous cycle of facial expressions. I've seen it before, especially on gay men (which, unless my gaydar betrays me, he was). I could almost hear his train of thought: You're a tranny? Why the sideburns? Why no makeup, high heels, skir....oh. OH! You're really a girl! I mean, shit, you used to be a girl and now you're a boi. I mean, a boy. But you looked like a real guy when I was talking to you. Actually, I thought you were sort of cute. Wait, was I just attracted to someone with a vagina? Shit, I hope I don't offend you when I open my mouth and say this first thing that comes to my mind.

Which in his case was a nervous little laugh and "Oh! Well, uh...fine...you look...uh, that is...I don't want to offend you...it's very good! Um, that's a compliment!"

There was a pause, during which I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him, and be a little charmed because he was clearly trying to give a positive response. Of course, I would have preferred a non-response. I think the appropriate response for a medical professional is to say "Okay, thanks for informing me." And from there, proceed to be matter-of-fact while taking my trans status into account, asking relevant follow-up questions if necessary. ("Have you had [bottom] surgery?" would be relevant in this case; it wouldn't be if I were in to complain about a cold.)

Instead, I just said "Okay, well, besides the BURNING that I mentioned to you, everything else looks and feels normal." and sort of sidestepped the questions of what my genitals are like and how to respond to his 'compliment.' Things went smoothly from there- he ran a test, I got my prescription for antibiotics (thankfully), and there was a handshake and a smiling "Nice to meet you!" and that was that.

It wasn't til I was walking back to the subway that I had time to think about his response and how it was upsetting or not. Clearly, it wasn't the matter-of-fact response that I consider ideal when I disclose- to anyone, but particularly to a professional. That response, though, can only come from someone who is educated and familiar with trans people and transsexuality. Clearly, he is not in such a place. He's still coming from a personal paradigm of "transsexuals are really X who want to be Y" and while he may have gotten enough sensitivity training to be able to rein in that impulse and be mostly polite about transfolks, he's still used to being able to "spot 'em."

He's not used to his paradigm being disturbed: transsexuals aren't really real to him. I came in and he perceived and believed in me as a man. When I revealed to him that I'm a transsexual man, he had some cognitive dissonance that the "real guy" he saw in front of him was actually part of a group that he doesn't view as real; that is, transmen aren't really men.

That was apparent in his nervous/unthinking reaction: "...it's very good!"

What was he trying to say? "You look good?" There was a hint of that, but what is he saying is good? That 'it' is my guise, my front, my masculinity. The boyness which I put on to cover my original/real girlness is working! Heck, it fooled him! But now he's not fooled anymore. Now he knows the truth.

So there's the painful rub, because now he does know a truth about me that he didn't know previously. But what's the truth that he thinks he knows? The painfulness for me isn't coming from his knowing that I'm trans, but rather his using that knowledge to downgrade my authenticity. In a different context, if he were coming from a different perspective, I wouldn't take any offense at his reaction. After all, he's congratulating me on my constructed masculinity, which I did in fact mindfully construct, arduously, painfully, expensively. His masculinity is constructed too, of course, but he doesn't see that, and that's where his judgement is rooted. His lack of awareness around the construction of his maleness is the privilege that contributes to his condescension, which fuels my defensiveness, and that's why I'm offended.

His left-handed compliment would be no shame if it weren't a window onto what can legitimately, if a bit dramatically, be called his transphobia. Thus I am offended by him, and have the right to feel frustrated and burdened by this interaction. It's not an uncommon interaction for me or any other trans person, and it's rather a depressing one coming as it did from someone at Callen Lorde- someone ostensibly belonging to my community, someone who ought to know better.

And he does know better than a lot of folks- his reaction, while not perfect, wasn't all that bad. Which is why I'm not too offended. I can see through his compliment to the insult beneath it, but it's a half step up at least from straight out insult.

This is a larger parable about being 'out' as trans or not, I suppose. Outting oneself is most productive when it's met by open minds, but those minds have to be opened first. One line of thinking goes that those minds will only be opened by repeated exposure to trans folks- that is, some of us have to be the shock troops throwing our dignity down like capes over mud so that Trans Awareness can move majestically forward. In this interaction, I disrupted his paradigm- maybe next time, he won't be shocked when the man in from of him discloses a transsexual history. I agree that visibility can be a really powerful consciousness raiser.

But there's got to be a better way. Trans advocacy and education can and must occur in other ways, so that we trans folks can stop constantly shouldering the many small stinging burdens of these interactions. Eventually, hopefully, it'll level out and disclosure won't sting anymore because I'll be seen and understood for who I am, not the pile of unknown baggage that's assigned to trans folks these days. But there have got to be better ways of getting there.

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As an aside, I can't decide to be pleased or annoyed that, clearly, Callen Lorde hasn't stamped TRANNY in red ink on my chart. On the one hand, I'm glad that they're trying to respect my privacy, allow me to disclose at my own preference, etc. On the other hand, medically is one of the ways in which my being trans is quite often justifiably relevant information. I certainly consider my transness to be in large part a medical condition/situation. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have that in my chart, so that medical folks can have some idea of what my body is like. Certainly at Callen Lorde where, or so I thought, those folks would probably have a reasonably accurate idea. I guess the ideal world would be one in which 'transsexual' (or whatever terminology suited me best) would be included on my chart...but that chart would then be seen by medical professionals who had all be trained and educated around trans issues, so that they could respond with the calm professionalism that I deserve.

testosterone delivery options

I'm going to use this post as a dumping ground for a whole bunch of links to PubMed articles that someone thoughtfully collected about a couple of alternative methods of T delivery- pellet implantation and long-lasting shots.

Seems like both of these options have been explored as various hormone delivery methods, for birth control and also for hormones for non-trans folks. The general idea is to get one shot, or have some pellets implanted, every 3 months, which will then slowly disburse the hormone over the next few months. Supposedly, it can offer more stable and consistent dosing, without the peaks and troughs associated with more frequent injections. Not to mention, of course, that you only have to get stabbed with a needle 4 times a year instead of anywhere from 26-52 times, depending on one's shot schedule.

I've been having a harder time giving myself my shots lately, both because there's no more novelty or thrill about it, and because the shots themselves have seemed to get a bit more difficult. I don't know if it's because I've lost some subcutaneous fat, or because I've got scar tissue building up or what, but I often have difficulty/pain when actually piercing my thigh with the needle, which never happened the first few months I was doing it. I switch thighs each shot, and try to move around within the few square inches of target area, but I often feel more resistance to the needle moving through my skin, and sometimes a really sharp/stabby pain- it makes me imagine that I've brushed a nerve with the needle, though I don't know how medically plausible that is.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where getting a shot only 4 times a year sounds really appealing right now. The pellets are approved in the US, and I've heard of transguys using them, but they're often described as more expensive. Who knows if my insurance would cover it or not. The quarterly shot is apparently not yet available in the US, though rumor has it that it's currently seeking approval from the FDA. Maybe my doc at Callen Lorde will have more information. I certainly intend to ask him, when I go in for my next physical. I think my next appointment is sometime this fall- we decided to check in earlier than the usual 6 months, since my levels were low last time we checked.

In the meantime, here are the PubMed links, for reference.

Pellets:

1)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=15049955&itool=iconabstr&query_hl=8&itool=pubmed_DocSum

2)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=9373452&itool=iconabstr&query_hl=8&itool=pubmed_DocSum

3)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=9245845&query_hl=7&itool=pubmed_docsum

4)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=16193074&query_hl=7&itool=pubmed_docsum

5)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=3139571&query_hl=7&itool=pubmed_DocSum

6)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=8796140&query_hl=12&itool=pubmed_docsum

7)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=3432395&query_hl=16&itool=pubmed_docsum

8)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=9061431&query_hl=21&itool=pubmed_DocSum

9)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=15297434&query_hl=29&itool=pubmed_docsum

10)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=10583314&query_hl=10&itool=pubmed_docsum
Quarterly Shots:

1) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=17701659&ordinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum
2) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=17635694&ordinalpos=5&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum
3)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=17579193&ordinalpos=6&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum
4)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=17486268&ordinalpos=8&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum
5)http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=17178558&ordinalpos=17&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

beard pictures

Following are a few pictures from my last beard attempt, in July. the first is me joking about my vaguely Amish look, given the lack of moustache. the other two show the second, luck-o'-the-Irish iteration of that beard. It was nice 'n reddish 'n fuzzy, and I miss it, but these pictures definitely confirm (in my mind) the correct decision to shave it off. it was immature. needs more time to ripen! I'll surely post pictures this wintertime of my next attempt.

going soft

Mmm, it has been a while, hasn't it? Not so much to report. I haven't been working out, so I've lost all those lovely muscles I had for a few weeks in the middle of summer. Since being on testosterone, I've felt worse about myself when I don't work out; I feel much more keenly the wasted potential, the possibilities of fitness that I could achieve with T's help. I have more muscles now than I ever did before T, even in brief periods of dedicated working out. It seems an actual shame not to work out these days, given the guaranteed results.

I often think my aversion to working out stems not just from laziness, but also from disappointment that I don't lead a more necessarily active life. I feel a little foolish with my dumbbells and yoga mat and swiss ball, sweating on the floor of my bedroom for no real purpose besides vanity and shoring up my self image. I mean, smooth muscles and improved cardiovascular health isn't NO purpose, but it seems there's so much actual work to be done in the world that it's downright wasteful to burn energy on the Sisyphean, essentially meaningless motions of working out. I don't feel like I have much opportunity in my life for meaningful labor, though- not a lot of ground to plow in Manhattan.

Sometimes I like the softness of my edges, since it's a definitive break from the traditional masculine-muscles connection that seems like it could be easy to get sucked into. And indeed, I am sucked into it, because I liked the few weeks I spent feeling buff. Perhaps one of these days I'll get re-inspired and start small again with the pushups before breakfast, and build from there. It does feel good to see my shoulders bunching and broadening in the mirror, and presumably someday I'll be in a place where there's space or opportunity enough for me to engage in less selfserving exercise.

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I've been growing my hair out a bit- I never had long hair when I was living as a girl, beyond a brief experiment in 8th/9th grade that saw my hair get just to my shoulders before my burgeoning babydykehood demanded I shave it off. As a kid, I varied between a vaguely pixie-ish shag and a downright butch boy style. Now I think I'm ready to try the shaggy dude look, which out to go well with the rest of me, which continues to get shaggier by the week.

My chest hair is shading in slowly but inexorably, and my belly hair is creeping up to meet it. I know it's not given to a man to choose his body hair patterns, and I'm nothing but pleased with what I've developed thus far, but every once in a while I'll see a guy at the beach with furry back and shoulders and I'll send up a silent plea: keep the hair on the front, please!

I'm still waiting for my facial hair to creep far enough up my face for my beard to connect with my moustache and be worth growing out again. I figure I'll give it a shot in November- that'll be 4 months since my last attempt, and give me a solid 7 or 8 weeks to try to grow something respectable before heading home for Christmas- enough time to determine whether my efforts will look nice, or if I'll need to bust out the razor to look nice for the family photos during the holidays.

I had a small epiphany a short while ago, and resolved that I should stop comparing my facial hair to the men I socialize with, who are generally in their early twenties, because it's inevitably a bummer. I need to remember that, endocrinologically speaking, my peers are the high schoolers/young undergrads, and when I look around at the patchy/scruffy chins I see on them, I feel much better about myself.

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I've been thinking a lot about my future these days, and where I'm going next- I'm starting to feel ready for the 'next step' in my life, whatever it might be. A bit odd to remember that I'll have a lot of decisions to make around disclosure of my trans status, whenever I do start the new job or new school or whatever new step I find next. It's something that still hasn't come up that often, since I don't have that many people in my life whom I've known for fewer than two years whom I didn't meet in an explicitly transmasculine context.

Mostly the issue has come up in deciding what to tell my partner's friends, whom I'm gradually meeting. I mostly prefer to be Rochelle's queer boyfriend rather than her trans boyfriend, unless the topic comes up in a relevant way. I think of it as good practice for helping me to understand the contexts in which I want my trans experiences/history to be relevant or open, and in which realms I prefer to keep quiet.

Beach Boy

Tomorrow I'm going to Trans on the Sands, an event sponsored by the Gender Identity Project, at Coney Island from 11-5. Click the link for info/directions if any of y'all are in the NYC area.

I'm looking forward to a day at the beach, for sure- especially since it will be precisely one year and three days since I had my chest surgery, which means shirtless shenanigans for sure! I've been really good about following the recommended no-direct-sunlight-for-a-year guidelines around my scars. The first time I took my shirt off in the great outdoors was two weeks ago when I jumped in a river for about a half hour, at 5pm, with SPF 45 slathered all over myself. I still intend to slather my skin and especially my scars in SPF 45 tomorrow, and reapply frequently, but it's nice to feel like I'm out of the probationary period.

This beach event is a great idea, based on the principle of safety in numbers- there are plenty of folks who can't be safe and relaxed at the beach in the beachwear of their choosing, and that's pretty crappy. It reminds me of one way in which transphobia can skew more negatively towards transwomen. Before last year I wasn't particularly happy wearing my double-layered sports bra beach outfit, but I didn't feel that unsafe. I was still a visibly gender variant female, but I've seen transwomen get so much more abuse along the lines of "Aah, dude in a bikini!"

I feel safe and fine going to the beach anytime (particularly now, with the passing privilege my transition status gives me) but I'm going to Trans on the Sands tomorrow because everyone should be able to be safe at the beach. If I can contribute to that by sprawling my pasty self out on the sand, then excellent.

Not to mention, I'm totally thrilled about my first shirtless beach excursion ever. I'm looking forward to jumping in the ocean, gross though the water at Coney Island is. Swimming without breasts is a whole new thing, and I'm wicked excited about it. I intend to try to figure out whether I'm less buoyant post-transition...I think yes, since I've got less fat and more muscle, thanks to surgery and T, but maybe it won't be significant enough to matter.

some sort of mix-up

This past weekend I had what was probably the most flummoxing and yet most entertaining moment of disclosure that I've ever had. I was at a music festival with my girlfriend, a lesbian couple who are close friends of hers, and a straight woman friend of theirs. The couple are getting married (legally, in Massachusetts) next year, and we were talking about which states allow gay marriage when I mentioned rather casually to Rochelle "You and I could get married anywhere but Texas!"

I was referencing the fact that different states have different rules and regulations around marriage and what sexes may marry each other, and how the sex of each party needs to be 'proven.' Some states (including Texas and Ohio, I think, but probably some others as well) require two people to have birth certificates, one reading male and one reading female. Since my birth certificate still says F on it, Rochelle and I would be out of luck!

The straight woman, who had just met me earlier that day, overheard and asked "Why can't you get married in Texas?"

I figured it was as good a time as any to disclose my trans status, since I had nothing invested in keeping it from her, and said "Because my birth certificate says 'female.'"

There was a brief pause, and then she asked, confusedly, "Why does your birth certificate say female?"

Ha! I was stunned for a second, and came back, probably less diplomatically then I could have done, with "Because I'm a transsexual!" at which comprehension finally dawned on her face, and she said something about "Oh, well, you know, I figured sometimes they make some sort of mix-up on these things." And our mutual friends sort of awkwardly explained to me that they hadn't outed me to her, figuring (quite rightly!) that there was no reason to.

It was a funny reminder that not everyone will automatically be able to overcome the cognitive dissonance of someone whom they'd been reading as male mentioning offhandedly anything about a female past. I was also reminded that I tend to pass as non-trans pretty regularly now, even in crowds (queer/queer-friendly) where I assume that it's possible or probable that I'll get clocked as trans through some combination of factors- small hands, wide hips, sparse facial hair, queer/dyke girlfriend, etc. In this instance, though, not only was she unaware of my transness, even what I thought was a completely revealing statement at first passed right over her head. Heh. Some sort of mix-up indeed! It just took 20 years, thousands of bucks, and some helpful doctors to fix it up.

Though in fact, I haven't fixed it up. I've changed my driver's license and Social Security info, and I intend to apply for a passport this fall- am hoping that those documents plus my top surgeon's letter will let me get an M on there with no problems, despite the fact that my certificate of citizenship has a little 7 yr old girl on it. But I don't intend to change my Canadian birth certificate. I don't have much occasion to trot it out, and I tend to think of it rather as a historical document- they put down F since that's what they thought I was. Now I've grown up and challenged that decision and changed the currently-relevant-to-my-life documents to reflect that, but I don't have much invested in changing the marker on that certificate. No harm done, so long as I don't try to get married in Texas.

TMC pride

Check out this link to the video I mentioned a while ago, taken by a guy wandering around the Pride Parade with a camera. You can see some TMC Network folks being very articulate, as well as me, about halfway through, with my charming sister. I'm floundering a bit and I don't really answer his question, since I didn't quite know how to, but it's interesting to watch, anyway.
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http://randywickerreporting.blogspot.com/2007/07/transmasculine-community-networkshows.html

like a fish

This weekend, while camping and attending the Falconridge Folk Festival, I had the opportunity to duck over to the town I went to college in and jump in a river with some friends. Oh man, it was so good. I realized as I was splashing around that I haven't gone swimming in a year- not since I had my surgery last August. I'm about a week away from my Chestiversary, and with plenty of sunscreen slathered on, I shucked off my clothes and jumped in the river.

Splashing about in a river in the middle of summer is delightful at any time, of course, but it felt so good to be barechested and unselfconscious. I've skinny dipped in that river plenty of times, but never so unabashedly. There's a lot to be said for the various freedoms that led up to such a joyful afternoon, and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. Hoorah for the summertime.

check-up

I went to Callen-Lorde a week or so ago for my one year on T bloodwork- a little late, since I'm actually around the 15 month mark. Still, close enough, given that everything came back fine last time.

As it mostly did again- my doctor went over the lab results line by line, and congratulated me on my great blood pressure, cholesterol, liver function, kidney function, etc. Apparently I'm in rather excellent health...except when we got down to my red blood cell count.

C-L uses red blood cell count as a means of monitoring testosterone levels, since there's a normal male range and a normal female range, and they're pretty much exclusive. My count is at the high end of the normal female range. Pretty high for female, but definitely lower than normal male range.

My doctor told me that this is an instance in which he relies on patient experience to determine how to proceed. If I were feeling like my transition were proceeding too slowly, then he'd feel comfortable, based on my labs, prescribing 250 mg/two weeks rather than the 200 I'm currently at.

The trouble is, I don't really have any way of knowing whether things are proceeding "too slowly." Certainly, all of the changes that I've been expecting have occurred- musculature, facial and body hair, acne, voice dropping. And a few that I haven't expected- more sweating, different appetite patterns, mood issues. But who am I to say how fast things are meant to be going? Certainly I'd prefer to have my beard fill in more quickly, but I'm not sure that more T is the answer to that. I'm thinking back to a workshop I attended at the Trans-Health Conference, in which Nick Gorton explained the cascade of hormone conversion, how T converts into both DHT and estrogen, so more T can lead to more facial hair, etc (DHT) but also more acne and baldness from the same source, and it can also be converted into estrogen.

Anyway, I told him that I feel pretty good about how things are going, and that we could do some bloodwork again in 3 months (rather than waiting another 6) and see what the levels are like.

He also told me that I could probably expect to see my acne clear up by around 18 months from now, which is a relief. He also reminded me that mine is really not that bad- though he was careful, in true Callen-Lorde fashion, to emphasize that he wasn't trying to diminish my experience in any way...that if I feel my acne to be an affliction, then that's valid!

That's one of the things I love about Callen-Lorde, that I've consistently experienced (through the HOTT program, that is, since they're the only ones I've interacted with)- the earnest and concerted effort to make me feel validated and justified in my concerns, as well as an effort to assure me that they're on my side, that they're not looking to make me jump through any hoops, but rather that they just want to offer the best medical care that they can.

I know it can come off as pedantic and condescending to some folks, but I find it really reassuring and warming, and I have to believe that it's one of the only sources of positive feedback that some of their clients have. So hurrah, Callen-Lorde!

tired of sand being kicked in your face?

Second two pictures are from late last week, after I'd just finished one of my sporadic (but growing more regular!) homestyle workouts...I think you can just see my Swiss ball in the background! First picture was from a photoshoot I did with my friend Mary Ellen as my "pre-t documentation" last March. We went and messed around in the photo studio for an hour or two, and she kindly took a bunch of pictures of me, digital and otherwise. I may scan some of the contact sheets one of these days, since most of the posed shots that we did for body comparison purposes are on them. Still, there's enough to give a general idea here, and I appreciate the modesty of the overexposure in this particular shot. It makes me pretty nervous to put up pre-t/pre-surgery shots of myself on here. Mostly because I don't much like to think of myself being configured like that- I didn't much like acknowledging that body when I had it! So correspondingly, I don't like the idea of anyone else having an image of me that includes breasts. Still, as I get more time and distance from the old WB (With Breasts) days, I think this new PBE (Post Breast Era) can be one of indeed acknowledging my female bodied past.

How comforting that is! I think I'll say it again: female bodied past. Mmm.

In any event, the distance makes everything easier, to the point where now I can enjoy the contrast in these photos in a way that makes me proud of myself and grateful for the steps I've taken.

I'm so pleased to be in my skin these days. I'm trying not to let it shade into vanity, but when I look in the mirror or take these pictures and see my rough little beard, and shoulders wider than my hips, and arms that look solid, I'm just so damn pleased. Is that normal? Are most people happy to inhabit their bodies?

It seems in this body-policing culture we leave in, maybe not....most folks probably spend too much time worrying that their thighs are too big or whatnot. And maybe I'll move out of this honeymoon with my body phase, and start giving more attention to the things that only give me twinges now, like my love handles, and the fact that my beard doesn't grow on the front of my chin, and my acne, etc. But for now, even those little insecurities can't keep me down long. I'm so glad for what I've got!

also, I got a haircut.

dude

The other day, I was in the company of a transwoman friend of mine, and she did a small favor for me, to which I enthusiastically responded "Thanks, dude!"

She cheerfully but very quickly said "I'm not a dude, but you're welcome!"

And my face must've fallen slightly as my heart broke a little bit, but I covered up fast with "Then thanks, dudette!"

I know exactly what it's like to be so sensitive, to be on edge to every gendered reference, to feel the sting of thoughtless, casual words. At that moment, I had the sudden sinking feeling of knowing what it's like to be the not-sensitive-enough person, to have a thoughtless and automatic response give offense where none is intended.

I call everyone dude- it's not a gendered remark, for me. And ah ha, therein lies the privilege that let me hurt the feelings of a friend, for which I feel quite sorry. Worse still, hurt in a way that I've been hurt myself, in a way that I ought very much to know better than to do.

Of course, there's no way to know how much of her response was (trans)gender-pain based, part of an ongoing fight to be seen as a woman (which every now and again I remember is often a much harder fight for transwomen), and how much was gendered indignation of the same sort that various conscientious feminist friends of mine wince and correct me when I say 'freshmen' instead of 'first year' or "you guys" when referring to a mixed (or even all female) group.

I'm not prepared to fight with out language to the same extent as, say, the We'Moon Collective out in Estacada, Oregon, who get their deliveries from the US Postal Service in the moon box since even phallocentric homonyms are frowned upon; an anecdote I read in the local queer newspaper in high school which has ever since kept me from taking them quite seriously.

But I'm definitely willing to acknowledge that using masculine language as a universal standard is a pretty lousy practice, one that's a big step on the slippery slope of sexism, and does a lot to subtly undermine women and feminist notions.

So I'm glad to be corrected, and glad to get the kick in the pants that reminds me that my casual use of masculine terms, even terms that have lost their gendered markings in my own vocabulary (like dude), are still very gendered for other folks. I may entirely be projecting when I say that I think she flinched at that term for personal, trans-related reasons. There are some who would call that being too sensitive, but I know well that when every acknowledgement of one's identity comes at a hard-fought price, the little things are huge, too. I remember trying to describe to someone once the reason that I didn't want to wear any articles of women's clothing, be it socks or sneakers, even though to the casual eye they were essentially unisex. It was too hard to keep a grasp on my masculinity before transition, and I had to keep a tight grip on the tiniest things to reassure myself, as well as present a unified front to the rest of the world.

So it's possible that my friend was just being a feminist woman, reminding me to curb my assumptions and my language, which was obviously gendered to her even if I used it unthinkingly. Still, it takes on additional weight coming from her, as a woman whose womanhood most likely comes dearly to her, as my manhood does to me.

It's a lesson to remember that my own privilege is generally invisible to me but very visible to others, and in this case, while I'm not sure which set of circumstances most contributed to the offense I gave, I still hurt the feelings of a friend, and I hope I won't forget it soon.