Wednesday, May 17, 2006

few and far

Haven't posted so frequently lately- Spring is in full swing, and so am I, and the days are flying by, almost faster and fuller than I can manage.

I've been on T for about 6 weeks now, and I'm getting my next shot on Wednesday of next week. I'll do a two month summary at that point, but for now, I'm still being deliberately patient. I can feel my voice slowly expanding in tone and depth, and it makes me very happy. This week for the first time, one of my friends commented that my voice sounded different when I left her a voicemail, and someone else mentioned that I sounded like I've got a cold. I don't know if I've been also consciously pitching my voice lower, and I can't really hear a strong difference, but I can feel more resonance in my chest, and it's a great feeling.

It's not that I think a deep voice is going to make me more appealing or attractive or compelling. It's just that it feels more natural to have it resonate in my chest like this...I didn't even realize where it was coming from before, but now I can really feel what I'm saying, and it helps me lend weight to my own words.

Speaking of my words, I'm hoping I'll be able to be more diligent again about updating this soon. I'll be working evenings twice a week, which are always quiet, and so I can have assured time at least those days to sit down and spill what I've got to say.

Hopefully then I'll be able to articulate and post about more of the thoughts in my head. I'm thinking lately about a lot of things: transmasculine as a broad adjective; what it means to stay queer as I transition; how I can trace my gayness and connect it to my trans identity and sort of squish them up together to make queer; my Gender Goals, not least of which is still my name; having children; the perennial topic of passing and coming out and what kind of man I want to be known as, and what kind of boyfriend I want to known as; dealing with the pockets of people in the world who still don't know that I'm a boy. You know, the usual.

That last one is rather more pressing at the moment, since I'm going to an event tonight hosted by my college for alumni in NYC. I'm looking forward to seeing old professors and old friends, but I'm also trying to remember which of them are clued in, and which of them are going to be clueless, and how I can make myself comfortable without stressing myself out too much. I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits- blue corduroy suit, bright blue shirt, argyle sweater vest, matching tie. It's easier to be tough when wearing the appropriate armor.

I honestly can't remember who's going to be there, and what they may or may not know. It's hard for me to remember, sometimes, because it seems so...so...absurd that anyone would think of me as a girl. Which isn't really fair to all of the people who knew me for years and didn't know any better. I never really performed 'girl' very well, but I called myself a lesbian and didn't disabuse people of the notion that I was a girl. And I'm glad I didn't, in some ways, because at least I was increasing visibility and space for masculine/boyish female people. It was legitimate that I looked as I did and went by she. It didn't make me happy, and so now I look the same and go by he, and that's legitimate, too. Now I'm not sure why I ever thought that I wouldn't be able to be a guy, but at least I was being useful while I was dragging my feet about coming out as trans.

So happy being a boy now. Well played, Eli.

4 comments:

Julian's Mom said...

Can't wait to hear what you have to say about having children and what kind of man and boyfriend you want to be... Someone who will make your mama (even more) proud, no doubt.

CaptLex said...

Can't wait for the 2 month summary. The voice change is probably the first thing I'm looking forward to for myself. I don't necessarily want to sound like Darth Vader, but I'm dying to lose this high-pitched squeak. The other thing I'm really looking forward to has to do with "the communists", as you call it.

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