Thursday, March 27, 2008

two minor bodily complaints

I 'misfired' this past Wednesday morning while giving myself a shot. That's the only way I can think of to describe it- it's something that's happened a couple of times before. I'll give myself a shot, with no trouble, maybe a little bit of pain but nothing out of the ordinary. But then, the next day, I'll start limping from some pretty bad stabbing pains in my leg. Not stabbing, so much, as feeling like I've been stabbed and whatever stabbed me is still in my leg. Which is pretty accurate, I guess- I can only imagine that it's because the T isn't dispersing through my muscle properly or some such, and so it hurts because I've got a bunch of viscous oil taking up space in my leg muscle. But it's not pleasant, and it radiates all the way down to the knee of whichever leg it is, which gives me unpleasant flashbacks to when I mucked up one of my knees in college. Each time this has happened, I've had the same thought progression: 'Oh god, did I strain my ligaments again? No, I haven't done anything sporty....oh crap, is it the Lyme disease returning to get me? I hear it can manifest as joint pain! Oh It was shot day yesterday, it must be that."

I haven't conclusively found a pattern- it's only happened three or four times in this whole year that I've been giving myself shots- but I wonder if maybe it's when I inject lower down in my leg, towards the middle instead of the upper quadrant. I've gotten conflicting advice about injections, some say upper outter quadrant, some say the middle third. Perhaps I can ask my Doc again when I go in for an appointment in April.

Fortunately the pain, though quite crappy enough to make me limp for two or three solid days, usually disappears on the third or fourth day. Being cranky and in pain for those few days sure gives me new appreciate for how much chronic ailments must be difficult to live with.


Complaint number two is of a totally different variety. I've got a distinctly hourglass figure, which I noticed again the other day while gazing at myself in a mirror. (a habit which I guess is relatively harmless but which I've done more in the past two years than the rest of my life combined, and which I can only imagine will fall off someday in the future, once the newness of my bodily state wears off for good: somehow I suspect most non-trans folks don't spend so much time scrutinizing themselves. Though I could be wrong!)

I've got a smallish waist, not insignificant hips, and enough of a muffin top to seal the deal. I know that it's nothing to be worried about, I know that no one but me would probably notice, I know that it's certainly not at all noticeable when I'm clothed, but I still can't help wishing that I didn't have such a divot on each side of my torso. It makes me feel feminine in a way that I don't have control over, which is the basic uncomfortable feeling driving my entire transition, one that I'd hoped not to have to deal with any more.

Of course, it's a very very diminished feeling! An hourglass-ish waist is tiny small potatoes compared with the breasts, etc, that I am no longer burdened with.

Still, if we're cataloguing complaints with our bodies, which it looks like I've taken the opportunity to do in this blog post, that would be mine. I wish my torso were more straight up and down.

Sounds a bit ridiculous when I say it like that, and it reminds me to practice letting go and not sweating the small stuff...even as I plot ways that I could reduce the effect. (Since I'm stuck with the shape of my pelvis, I figure I could a) try to lose a little weight, which would probably shrink the muffintop, which would probably be taken care of by my other option, b) work out more, concentrating on gaining mass in my upper body to counterbalance the hips, and working on my abs and obliques to add some bulk to my torso to disguise the feminine narrowness of my waist.

Anyway. Neither here nor there, nor of any great consequence, but the great thing about having my own blog is that it's my perogative to spill whatever inconsequential self-criticisms I've got all over these pages. Score!

No comments: