Thursday, June 28, 2007

funny lookin'

It's a funny thing bout my gender dysphoria...I didn't realize the extent of it til it was gone, in some ways. What gets me thinking that tonight is the realization that I really like how I look now. I consider myself handsome, and attractive, and while I fret about my love handles like everyone else I know (about their own, presumably, not mine) I have a basic level of satisfaction in myself and my body that not only did I not have before transition, I didn't even realize I was missing.

I watched a movie about a farmer the other day, and there was a brief scene in which a farmer girl intern is harvesting tomatoes and talking about how tomatoes helped her realize that voluptuous things are beautiful and desirable, and her curvy body is gorgeous like a ripe tomato.

It was an 'awww' moment for me on several levels, starting with the basic tug (I still feel it, though it's getting fainter) of connection and empathy with a woman discussing her body and its travails. The next was a moment of connection, of insight of what it means to look down or into a mirror and smile....or not even have to look, to just have a moment to smile inward slightly, she as she hefts a reddened tomato, me as I run the back of my thumb along the coarse fuzz on my jaw.

I didn't know how unhappy I was with myself til I made something happen to become happier. it's a bit funny, that gradual realization of self that inspires realization of happiness.

Also, it gives me a bit of insight (though not any more sympathy, mind you- suck it up!) for the folks, and usually they are someone's folks, parents or whatnot, who can't wrap their minds around how important transition is for someone. "But you never seemed that unhappy/miserable!"

Seems like there's a whole iceberg under that tip of dissatisfaction that gets shown to the world. I didn't myself realize the extent of how weird things were as a girl til I stopped being one. No wonder other people, without the benefit of my feelings, didn't realize how wrong it was.

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