misc.

I'm going to court tomorrow morning for the hearing on my name change. I don't actually know how it's going to go, but I have a vision of there being a hearing, and a somewhat bored judge going through each petitioner one at a time, asking any relevant questions, then slamming a big stamp of APPROVED down on the order. I don't expect there to be any trouble with the decision- why should I be refused?- but I do wonder whether or not the judge will grant my request to be exempt from the publication requirement. That'd be nice. Needless to say, I'll detail the entire experience here forthwith.

I'm also looking forward to therapy tomorrow morning, and talking about feelings of loss around transitioning. I think it's hard for me to feel (let alone express!) these ever so slightly mournful feelings because I am terrified that they'll be perceived as regret. I don't regret my decision to transition! I'm just trying (carefully) to acknowledge that there is a balace to everything I've gained since starting this particular path, and that's the loss of some possibilities. I'm never going to be part of a wonderful older lesbian couple, of the kind that my friends and I cast secret admiring glances at during Pride. Hopefully, I'll be part of a wonderful older queer couple of some variety when I grow up. But- and this resonates with my pre-transition worries of losing my ties to "the sisterhood," whatever I mean by that- I'm not going to fit that image, and that's a little sad.

I'm actually a little nervous about talking about this tomorrow, because I've been a little emotionally fragile today. I'm not sure why, but I suspect that I'm still being subjected to the vagaries of menstrual cycle hormones in addition to my new hormone cycle...which, itself, is a little off, since I was supposed to get another shot this morning but instead was rescheduled by the doctor's office to next tuesday. That's 6 days late! Almost a full week! I'm a little perturbed by this, but I'm trying to reassure myself that it's going to be fine, that my fine proto-sideburns aren't going to fall out in six days. Still, it makes me nervous about my emotional state for the next few days. I was almost reduced to tears on the subway this morning reading a story about a high school basketball coach, the first black basketball coach in Amish Ohio, who took his teams to the championships for 20 years and became beloved by the whole town, and then died of a brain tumor. Blink back those tears, Eli!

and, uh, the rest of you? Watch out for the Hormonal Dude in the last car.
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Speaking of being upset, but with far better reason- today I heard from a friend of mine who has been in a lot of pain lately. Turns out he's popped some of his ribs out of place from binding. It makes my own chest hurt, not just from thinking about the few times that I tried to bind too fiercely and found myself with an aching back, but also with a heavy heart that he has to endure that to keep the gender dysphoria at bay. Why does surgery have to be so inaccessible to trans folks?
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Last but not least, at the Trans Day of Action a few weeks ago, Activist!Eli says: "What do we want? TransJustice! When do we want it? Now!"