also

Another relevant/funny dinosaur comic!

good election news!

A trans person was elected Mayor of Silverton, OR! I've found a few news items through Google News, (and deliberately haven't clicked on any of the Fox News clips- don't really care to spoil my morning with whatever they have to say!) and they mostly appear to be doing a good job of coverage. Stu appears to fall under the much broader gender-variant umbrella definition of transgender, and is not transsexual, despite the cringe-worthy headline "Sex change we can believe in!" headline I saw from one newspaper. It's great to see a gender variant person holding public office (Stu has been a City Council member for a while, apparently) and living their life effectively without fear of recrimination. Way to go, Stu! Way to be a role model!

p.s
oh yeah, and the most important presidential of my (most people's) lifetimes was decisively won by the man by far best qualified to do the job, thus salvaging the last vestiges of my faith in my fellow americans to do the right thing. thrilling moment, particularly when our man Obama gave a shout out to the gays in his acceptance speech. also, i'm delighted to see that the three heinous anti-choice measures in colorado, south dakota and california were shot down, just as I am saddened to see that the various anti-gay marriage (california, florida, arizona) and anti-gay adoption (arkansas) bills passed.

ought I mention...?

So, my sister is a writer, and has written several beautiful essays about my transition and how it's impacted our family, etc. We talk frequently about co-authoring a book. She has had a piece accepted by the NY Times which will be published soon, and I couldn't be more proud of her.

I'm also faced with something of a quandary. I haven't mentioned to anyone at my new job (or in my new town) anything about my transsexual history. I'm very chatty about my queerness, as is my wont, since that figures much larger in my day to day life than my transsexuality does. I think my queerness is in many ways more of a defining element of my character, though, as always, teasing out my queerness from my transsexuality isn't always the easiest or most fruitful task.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, I don't know whether to mention anything to my coworkers/friends that in a few days, there will be an essay about me and my transsexuality in a major national newspaper, which mentions me by first name. My full name isn't in the piece, but my sister and I have the same last name, which isn't terribly common, and it mentions the city I've recently been living in, as well as our home state, so, well, I don't think it'd be terribly hard to put two and two together.

But on the other hand, I really have no idea whether anyone would put two and two together and connect it with me. One thing I've found is that for most people, the concept that someone they know (especially someone whose gender/sex is not particularly ambiguous or androgynous) might be a transsexual is waaay far down the list of things that cross their minds.

So I figure either a) no one who knows me will read the piece (unlikely, since I work in a University, and academics tend to enjoy the Sunday NY Times); b) folks will read it and see my name but not see my last name in tiny print on the byline, so will make no connection to me (distinct possibility); c) folks will read it and also read the byline and think "Huh, that's funny! I know an Eli with that last name! What a small world." (strikes me as a distinct possibility); d) folks will read it and think "OMG, I know that guy!" followed either by "No wonder he's so knowledgeable about trans/gender issues!" or "I never would've guessed he's really a she!"

Clearly, it's that last option that has me wondering whether I should do any pre-emptive disclosure, and it's the two very different scenarios that have me really wavering back and forth as to what to do.

Ideally, I'd like to be open about my transsexual history in a matter-of-fact manner. I'm not ashamed, I'm not a particularly private person, I do think that my transsexual experiences have given me the occasional interesting and useful perspective, and it's a fact of my life that I grew up being perceived and treated as (and believing myself to be) female. While I don't consider it anyone's particular business how my body is configured (which is mostly the only thing still relevant about my transsexuality, given that I live as male now), I do like talking about myself, and sometimes it's nice to say things like "Well, when I was a speaker at the Lesbian Community Project's New Years part in 2001..." and be able to provide appropriate context for why I had that experience. Not to mention the community service/outreach component of being known as a transsexual person and role model.

But the (sad) fact is, I just don't trust people not to have that latter, worrisome response- "Oh, that guy is really a girl?!"

Many, many people do not understand what it means to be trans, do not understand how to appropriately respond to transsexual people, do not understand about the varying relationships between gender identity and 'biological sex' (placed in air quotes because that's a phrase that's thrown around in uncomfortable ways, too. ). It's tiresome and painful and wearying to deal with that ignorance, and I (selfishly, maybe) don't want to deal with it.

Ah, but there's the rub. I don't want my cissexual privilege (as Julia Serano might say!) taken away from me. All of these people in my life have been assuming that I'm not a transsexual, because that's what we do in this culture- that's what cissexual privilege means. You are assumed to be cissexual (that is, not a transsexual) unless proven otherwise, which means that transsexuals are forever and ever the strange and invalid "other" to be contrasted with the norm.

And I understand that there is a somewhat circular operation in place here: if more people know I'm a transsexual- particularly people who already perceive, understand, and accept my maleness on a gut level- then more of those people are likely to let go of their ignorant, offensive notions of transsexuals as 'fake' men and women, thus diminishing the power of cissexism.

Now, it's possible to contest that cissxual privilege without putting my own body on the line by declaring my transsexuality at every opportunity. That's called being an ally, and being trans and being a trans ally are not mutually exclusive terms. I can (and already have- remind me to tell the stories of America's Next Trans Model coming up at the LGBT club, or talking about books to be used for the new proposed LGBT studies class) be an ally and stand up for trans education without disclosing my transsexuality and thus inviting people to strip away my cissexual privilege...which often involves mentally stripping me, because I pretty much "look like a guy" now, so folks who find out that I'm trans pretty much (I'm speculating here, but hey, it's likely) think "So this guy wasn't born with a dick?" and dude, I don't want everyone thinking about my dick all the time.

But it's also undeniable that being a transsexual role model can have a positive impact. And while I hate the narrative of "keeping secrets" that gets forced onto trans folks, I also dislike feeling the residue of that narrative. I do feel like I'm not able to be completely forthright with the people around me, and while that's not entirely my fault, it still sucks.

The problem with that 'secrets' narrative is that it implies that the 'secret' is that I'm 'secretly' not a real man. But really, at this point, I'm secretly a man with a transsexual history. There's plenty of incentive, as I've been mentioning, to keep that transsexual history secret, since the world at large still equates 'transsexual man' with 'not a real man.'

Anyway. The narrative of this particular post (screed?) has started to wander, so I'm going to stop, albeit not having found myself any closer to deciding whether to disclose my transsexuality to my coworkers.

I think the bottom line is that I'm getting to the point where I'm close enough with some of them that I'm comfortable enough and would like to be able to share my personal and/or medical history, so I'll probably end up doing that. And the folks that I'd like to tell are the folks that I'm friends with, whom I can probably count on to be decent, relatively sensitive folks. As always, I never know how much credit to give people when it comes to being sensitive. I've had people I've assumed would be really cool open their mouths and say incredibly offensive things (see, ANTM story, forthcoming) and I've had people I've assumed would be resistant turn out to be totally comfortable.

The thing is, as with any sensitive topic, if I tell one person, I have to be comfortable with the possibility that everyone would know. Not that I think my coworkers are blabbermouths, and not that my transsexuality might not come to light by some other, unknown to me means, but still- I believe that one oughtn't tell sensitive information to anyone without coming to terms with the fact that it could mean telling everyone. And, since I don't trust EVERYONE as much as I trust my new friends when it comes to not being offensive...well, I'm still not sure what to do.

beard follow up:

Who knew I had so much in common with T-Rex?

beard!

My beard continues to fill in, which is quite reassuring now that I live up in the cold hinterlands of New England. Snow is forecast for the next few days (before Halloween! What have I gotten myself into??) and while I was just missing my muttonchops the other day, and thinking about going back to a sideburns/goatee/'chops situation, I may hunker down and wait til spring before I mess around with exposing my face to the elements.

My beard still looks a bit scraggly to me sometimes, especially compared to some of the exceedingly thick and luxurious beards that some of my fellow New Englander men are sporting. But I also regularly see other guys with very similar patterns, and certainly when I look back to compare pictures of my beard from last year, I can instantly see how much it's filled in.

Here are some current pictures- it's been more than two and half years on T, so about two years since I started trying to grow my facial hair out at all, and about a year and a half since I've been able to achieve any reasonable growth at all.


Here are the requisite close-up self-portraits, the kind I might label "Tranny Photo Essay!" were I the type to use the word "tranny" casually, which I'm not. I get that it can be a cute and/or sassy way for trans folks to reclaim a historically hurtful word, and refer to themselves with some degree of levity, but I just can't ignore the condescension that, to my ears, drips from the word, and so don't ever use it myself. And I don't ever think it's acceptable for non-trans folks to use.

Anyway. Goofy self-portraits:
But look! You can see I'm finally starting to achieve my dearest facial hair wish: connection! My moustache is finally starting to connect to my beard.
Of course, at more than 5 inches away, one still can't really make out the Bering Strait of my facial hair.

And the connection, such as it is, isn't even as robust as that on my left side, where it's, erm, tenuous at best. But I'm quite satisfied.

For comparison, here's a shot from May '08- less robust facial hair, clearly. Gratuitous chest hair shot! That's been filling in, too, though not as much.
Then we go back another 6 months, to December '07. Again you can see how my moustache didn't connect at all, and whoa, you can really see how '08 has been the year of the hairy chest.
And finally, a shot from July of 2007, which appears to have been my first full scale effort to "grow out my beard." I didn't bother with the moustache, patchy as it was, and you can see that the beard itself was very much confined to my jawline.

Aww, in that last picture I was wearing my RUNT: Stick up for the little guy! shirt. RUNT was a party at a bar for short guys and their friends and admirers- I think it ran for much of 2006. At any rate, a bunch of us who used to frequent the Transmasculine Support Group at the LGBT Center in NYC used to frequently head over to RUNT after 'Group,' as we called it. Most of us were pretty short, so we fit right in!

let me get this straight.

When I tried to change my name last year, I was denied by the judge because I hadn't provided "proof of a sex change" and I was going from (in his opinion!) a female name to a male name.

It makes me just spitting mad to think about the prejudice I (and many others) have faced when trying to do something as simple as getting a namechange....particularly when I read that this girl has no problems changing her name to "CutOutDissection.com", or I remember that would-be Senator in Idaho who changed his name to "Pro-Life."

So, let's see. "CutOutDissection.com" is a fine, valid legal name. "Eli" is not.

Many, many other trans folks have faced and continue to face this same problem- being pressured to provide "proof" of various and arbitrary medical procedures before being allowed to choose a different name for themselves, and having to jump through hoops and hurdles and obstacles, which they may or may not have had time to pursue. I was fortunate- I had a full-time, well-benefitted job at which I'd accrued personal time that I used in order to make the multiple trips down to the Courthouse during business hours. Eventually, I had contacts at the ACLU that allowed me to get a lawyer to file a brief on my behalf and let me get my name changed. Many other trans people don't have such resources and, more importantly, they shouldn't have to!

I believe CutOut and ProLife have the right to change their names to whatever they want, no matter how far-out their motivation. Because hey, guess what? If you're not trying to avoid debt or commit fraud, you are legally allowed to change your name to whatever you want!

It's just another example of how trans people get systematically discriminated against. No one asks you about the status of your genitals if you try to change your name, regardless if it's Jane Doe or VoteForObama McGee or Sugarplum PezDispenser...unless you're a transsexual! Then they want proof of what's in your pants.

Great News!

The ACLU has won its case against the Library of Congress, on behalf of a transsexual woman whose job offer was rescinded after she revealed her intention to transition. ACLU's press release is here. More details about the case, including the text of the decision (scroll down) are here.

taking some excellent advice

I watched this amazing video the other day, via a Safe Schools blog, which got it from Bilerico, who got it, I guess from the originator, Jay Smooth.



Here is a technique to put at the top of one's toolkit. It's talking about racism, and the excellent advice that it offers is directly applicable to other situations in which someone says something offensive or uncomfortable, and I want to call them out on saying it without inspiring a huge, defensive, "I'm not transphobic/sexist/racist!!!!" reaction on their part.

This is for two reasons. On the one hand, sometimes such things will be said by people who haven't fully processed their own privilege, or had their consciousness raised- well meaning folks who just don't realize that whatever they just said was messed-up. Or even folks who HAVE done a lot of work around their privilege (whatever kind of privilege that is) can still make a mistake, or speak without thinking, or say something that they just hadn't considered from all angles yet. To use a trans example, this would be my friends who have worked hard (to varying degrees, but all to a certain extent) to understand what it means to be trans, to understand why I need to transition, to recognize my (everyone's) right to articulate and access my own gender identity....yet still say things like "Wow, Eli, you look just like a boy!"

Prompting me, in my braver moments, to say "Thanks for the sentiment, but I want you to know, that's offensive; telling me I look "like" a boy automatically sets up a situation in which I can never "be" a boy, only an illegitimate facsimile. Which hurts my feelings and invalidates trans folks everywhere."

So it's nice to have this video as a reminder of the importance of focusing on someone's words/deeds, since their other actions and intentions are great, and NOT racist, sexist, etc.

Then there's the other situation, the less comfortable one: dealing with people who actually ARE racist, sexist, transphobic. The trick is, a bigot will pretty much never self-identify as such. And who am I kidding- as Avenue Q tells us, we're ALL a "little racist." So I guess here, I mean people who have never tried to understand their privilege, who refuse to acknowledge that systematic oppressions like racism and misogyny even exist, let alone flourish, in our society, the folks who cling to their behavior and declare "I'm not a homophobe! I have gay friends!" even as they vote against marriage equality and hate crimes bills. Since they will (almost) never acknowledge (for example) that they are, in fact, homophobic in their little unexamined hearts, often the best and easiest way to thwart their behavior is, as this video tells us, not to get into a big philosophical debate about whether they're homophobic or not. They will invariably get off track and out of proportion and probably not get anywhere, since for them to lose that argument, they have to say "Uh, yeah, I guess I'm a homophobe." Which most folks will never feel comfortable doing. Even in the unlikely event that they realize that you are right, that they ARE homophobic, they'll probably be too embarrassed/defensive to admit it.

But! as Jay Smooth so rightly points out, by focusing on concrete, undeniable evidence- aka "that fucked up thing you just said"- it's possible to NOT let offensive words slide by and spend the rest of the day kicking yourself for not having stood up and said anything; an activity that I am totally sick of. There's no grey area of having to decide whether someone's really transphobic in their heart or not. One can just straight up address the behavior, stick to the facts when explaining why it's offensive, and (hopefully!) get the person to acknowledge that the thing they said was messed up, and agree not to say it anymore, thus winning the battle and taking a tiny step towards winning the war without attempting to actually win in one skirmish the whole big "you're a racist" war.

Thanks for the excellent advice, Jay Smooth!

shot day

I'm a day late on my shot, because I was too crazed yesterday to remember that it was Friday, the day to pause after my morning shower to scrounge together some alcohol wipes, needles, syringe, find a spot on the edge of the bed with plenty of light, deliberate over which spot on which thigh to choose, so as not to run into any 'tough spots' (mysterious sections of my leg that feel harder to inject through than others- I suspect perhaps scar tissue is building up from these 52 shots a year I've been giving myself) or brush a nerve, which makes my leg twitch weirdly while I'm giving the shot and then sometimes aches deeply for 2-3 days afterwards.

It was so exciting at first to learn how to give myself shots, to take my oily agent of change into my own hands, and have control over my own destiny. Now, that excitement hasn't quite morphed into resentment, though I can sense that on the horizon, but it's definitely turned into a chore, one that I have to work to remind myself of rather than look forward to each week.

Ive got a doctor's appointment next week, my yearly gynecological visit. I intend to ask the nurse to show me where I can self-inject on my hips/butt area. I know lots of guys use that spot, and it'd be nice to have four injection sites to rotate through. Also, I'm trying to brainstorm any other medical attention I might need to see if I can get it then- such as my next testosterone prescription refill, though it's a couple of weeks early- because I'm moving up to New England in ~6 days, and I'm not really looking forward to trying to track down a doctor up there.

I've definitely been spoiled by being in NYC and having Callen-Lorde and its dedicated HOTT program available to me, chock full o' knowledgeable, respectful and experience providers. I know that being an LGBT clinic isn't always a guarantee that the providers will live up to the T on the end of that acronym- and in fact, my experiences with providers in other departments at C-L were regularly less than stellar, with them not immediately reading me as trans, and so making assumptions, and then making insulting gaffes when trying to cover up their surprise...much like any 'regular' doctor, I'd imagine! But the staffers in the HOTT program have been consistently fantastic, and I'll miss them.

I'm going to be living within semi-reasonable driving distance (less than two hours) of both Boston and Northampton, so if necessary, I can probably dig up a reasonably experienced doctor in one those two hotbeds of LGBT stuff. But I'd prefer to find someone closer to home, and I don't know what the range of my new health insurance is going to be. So this may well be an opportunity to start from scratch with a brand new doctor who's never had a trans patient before, and the thought does not fill me with any particular joy.

It's frustrating to have a medical condition for which I need medical supervision but because of which I'm nervous to speak to a doctor. I don't know of a lot of other situations for which that's the case. Doctor-patient relationships are always fraught, of course, but I just don't know if there is another kind of medical condition which would cause the same kind of worry that I have right now- that I just won't be able to find someone competent or (more worrisome, actually, since it's not that hard to right a prescription for T) willing to treat me. And that I might face hostile or derogatory attitudes in my search.

Now, Captain Optimist in me realizes that it probably won't be that big of a deal. Most doctors are reasonably openminded people (right?) who are bound to do no harm (right?) and I am confident in my own knowledge about my medical care, and my ability to advocate on behalf of myself. Of course, I'm well aware that I have had the good fortune to have good medical care in the past, access to plenty of information, and a more-forceful-than-average personality, so it is still rather unfair that I as a trans person may need to draw upon various personal resources that not all trans folks have.

It reminds me of things that I hear about in the Fatosphere, of folks who are fat activists and who work to empower people of size. They often have to struggle to get appropriate, respectful healthcare from a medical establishment that doesn't respect them or consider them normal. It's a tiring, disheartening thing to have to convince one's own doctor to stop focusing on whatever is shocking about oneself (being fat, being a dude with a vagina) and instead look at me as a patient with needs that may be related to those issues, but may not! Fat folks often have to remind their doctors that hey, not everything can be fixed with the advice of "Well, if you just lost some weight...." and likewise, while I am going to need trans-specific health care, that mostly boils down to monitoring my hormone levels, and I may very well health care for things that have nothing to do with my being trans (allergy medicine! eye doctor! whatever!), and it'd be nice to have the security of knowing that I could present with a medical issue and not have to worry about the doctor getting sidetracked by Teh Tranz.

You never know. I could get lucky and find someone who is, if not experienced, at least happy to work with a new kind of patient, and intelligent enough to listen to me and not say anything too asinine. "Wow, I'd have never guessed you had a sex change!"

And I'll see how my gyno visit goes on Wednesday. I hear that once you've had three normal paps in a row, and if you're not, er, interacting with anyone new and unusual, you can go down to once every other year for the gyno visit. Two years from now, I may well be leaving New England, so I might not have to find out what the OB/GYN in my new town would think of a dude in his or her waiting room.

Trans in the Sands TODAY, New York City

hey, anyone in the NYC area- I just found out that today is the annual Trans on the Sands event held by the LGBT Center. It's a day at Coney Island where we all get together on th beach in our favorite fabulous beachwear, no matter our gender identity or bodily configuration or whatever combination of the two, and enjoy the safety in numbers to have a stress free day at the beach. Not to mention hang out and connect with pals.

So, if anyone wants to hit up Trans in the Sands TODAY, from 12-5 at Coney Island, here's the map
The weather is gorgeous!

p.s
neither I nor my computer have been horribly maimed, I've just been too busy packing and moving and getting a new job (!!) to post much. Once I'm settled in the wilds of New England, I'm sure my posting will become much more regular.

shirtless

It's two years minus six weeks since I had chest surgery. I remembered because I had to have my deposit in by July 19th, which was six weeks before my surgery date, and which also happens to be my partner's birthday, so the six week mark stuck in my head.

I've been walking around shirtless a lot this weekend, mostly because it's been hotter than an overdone porkchop here in NYC, with fiendish humidity, and so I'm walking around as nakedly as possible. I've mostly gotten to the point where taking off my shirt no longer produces a little thrill of excitement every time I do it- for most of my first year post surgery, it was still so novel and exciting and satisfying just to know that I COULD take my shirt off at any point. But now I don't think about it as much, I just take my shirt off when I'm too warm.

But! This weekend I've been shirtless in two (rather diametrically opposed, actually) interesting situations that have given rise to the following thoughts.

First, yesterday my sister and I went to Coney Island for the second year in a row to see the AVP Tour and see some amazing professional volleyball. It was great, and just as much fun as it was last year, but being around all of those incredibly chiseled folks can give a guy a complex! It reminded me of the various body processing I've been doing on this blog recently, about my hourglass shape and how I'm not so fond of it, partly because (like most guys in our body-obsessed culture) I want that Adonis ideal V-shape with broad shoulders and a narrow waist (and no hips!) and partly because those flaring hips and narrow/high waist seem like blinking neon "girl" markers to me, problematic though that sentiment is.

I felt like the scrawniest guy there, and not just compared to the super buff players. A big percentage of the audience looked like they played some kind of regular sport, and had the physiques to prove it. More than 2/3 of the guys there were walking around just in their swim trunks- we were at the beach, after all- but I kept my shirt on not just to protect me from the sun, but also because I was suddenly shyer than I've been in months about my hips, my lacking muscles, my sparse chest hair.

Not once has a stranger ever asked me about the scars on my chest, but I found myself rehearsing my favorite potential excuses: Shark attack! No, seriously, I fell off a boat and got tangled in the propeller. No, no, just kidding, just some surgery.

Anyway, later in the day I shed my inhibitions and bright pink (I'm not THAT insecure in my masculinity!) tank top to go jump in the ocean when the heat got too bad, but I kept trying to imagine how others were seeing me or noticing, and I kept looking for, and not finding, guys with bodies that looked like mine.

Later, on the way to the subway, I walked further down the boardwalk and suddenly found myself amidst TONS of guys who looked much like me: pasty pale (actually, I don't mind my 'library tan'- skin cancer is scary stuff!), kinda short, thin arms and potbellies, no muscle definition.

I almost laughed out loud when I realized that duh, Eli, naturally the audience at a professional sporting event is going to be filled with a greater than usual percentage of jocks and athletically-bodied folks. I'd been feeling bad about myself in comparison to everyone around me, but it was a skewed sample! There ARE in fact plenty of non-trans guys in the world whose arms have no visible muscle definition!

(Of course, my next thought was 'Why are all these hipsters at the beach?? Until I remembered the the Village Voice's music festival was that day.)

And then today I looked at the pictures we uploaded, and saw this one Kate took of me just before I dashed down to the ocean, while we were waiting for the men's semi-finals to start.

And of course, I look just fine. I remember distinctly walking down the stairs, thinking morosely 'everyone here looks bigger/buffer/manlier than me and my distinctly female-looking body.' Of course, I was trying NOT to think like that, but I remember being so conscious of that little part of my torso where my hips flare out a bit in contrast to my high-ish waist, and discreetly checking out every other guy I passed to see if his waist nipped/flared like that, which of course no one's did.

But, looking at the photo, I realize that you can't even see, it's not that obvious, etc, etc, I look fine and nothing like what my head was telling me I looked like. Body dysphoria, so strange!

Anyway, after that little interlude, I'm back to feeling tip top about my chest, and happier than ever that I made that decision two years ago to go to Dr. Brownstein.

Which leads me to the second situation I'd mentioned, which is that a friend of my sister is staying with us this weekend, and so we've been all hanging out, slumber party style.

Normally, especially during the kind of despicably hot weather we've been having, I go about shirtless in the house quite a bit. Often as soon as I get home, I lose my shoes and shirt; it's fine when it's just family, of course, but I don't really know the protocol yet for guys on shirtlessness around friends vs. acquaintances vs. strangers.

I mean, clearly, at the beach or the pool, it's fine. Pride parades, pickup basketball games, moving heavy furniture, doing lawn work, also fine. I'm not so sure about the guys I see just walking down the street or hanging out on the corner with no shirt on- seems fairly inappropriate to me, and rather unfair since women can't walk around topless without attracting much (probably unwanted) attention and/or indecency citations. And what about at the park, playing frisbee, or just lounging on a blanket?

And then I'm really not sure what's appropriate when in one's home, with friends over. I mean, I guess it depends on the closeness- acquaintances or whatnot it wouldn't be appropriate for. But how about with semi close friends? I guess I should just use the yardstick of what would or wouldn't weird me out if I went over to someone else's house- and in fact, I remember Rochelle and I going for dinner at her cousin's place on a hot night, and her cousin's boyfriend was shirtless, and stayed so for the entire evening. I would've put a shirt on had I been in his situation, but since he didn't, I guess it's considered acceptable.

Annnyway, I say all this because it's my habit to generally err on the side of politeness, and put a shirt on if anyone who's not my immediate family or girlfriend is around. But! This weekend, while our friend has been visiting, I've been walking around shirtless as per normal, which is to say, more than I usually would in front of a houseguest. But! Our houseguest was a transguy, and he hasn't had chest surgery yet, so I thought it might be okay/a good thing to relax my shirt rules.

Before I had surgery, I relished every opportunity I could get to see guys who'd already had surgery. I wanted to see scars and nipple placement and everything, and i wanted proof of guys living happily and nonchalantly in their own skins, post-surgery. I thought my buddy might be of the same mind, and glad of a chance to observe my doctored body, or at least, not mind observing it.

Though, it just occurs to me, maybe I was totally insensitive to parade about in my happily flat chest in front of someone who (as far as I know) is unhappy with his chest and pursing surgery. I remember just before leaving for San Francisco two years ago I was out with a bunch of guys after Group (the transmasculine support group at the lgbt center) and I mentioned that I was leaving for surgery the following week. One guy said something like "Oh, you lucky bastard, I hate you! Watch out when you get back, I might punch you."

Clearly joking, of course, but there was a definitely audible undercurrent of seriousness/jealousy that made me quite uncomfortable. It's hard to want something very badly and not be able to get it, but be around others who can. I hope I didn't bring up any such hard feelings for my friend this weekend with my casual semi-nudity.

Chippendale

My mom told me I had to post this picture on my blog, even though it's slightly blurry, because it makes me "look like a Chippendale!"

Have I mentioned enough times yet how nice it is to inhabit a body that I can be proud of, that I can joke around about rather than feel anguished (or at least embarrassed) about? I've mentioned before that I've got body issues that will never entirely go away- being a transsexual seems to be a chronic condition, though the 'symptoms' change over time- but heck, I am so grateful to have the majority of my dysphoria alleviated that I can cope rather well with the left over bits.

thoughts and recommendations

Okay, I have to say that it is a delight to be receiving so many comments, but I am not exactly used to being so highly trafficked, and if it seems like I'm not really at the top of my Answer Every Comment game, well, it's because I'm not. So hi to all you new readers (or old readers who decided to start commenting) and thanks for your comments. I will try to reply/get back to you all, but sometimes I won't have the time or whatnot, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate your feedback. I do!

Although it's a bit odd to see so many comments, since I still regard this thing as a mostly private space in which I record my thoughts, document my transition, and try to reason out the various gender related thoughts that otherwise would just stew unexamined in my head. I started giving the address to friends and family so they could 'follow along at home' and/or learn a bit more about transgender issues (or at least my viewpoint on such) without having to muster up the mustard to actually ask me various potentially irritating questions. But through various linking, on my own part and others, it seems like there is now a wider readership, to which I say welcome.

I know that when I was first exploring my gender identity, I spent a lot of time on the Internet following links, checking Transster, reading Transition Webpages, that sort of thing. It was super helpful to get a sense of what other guys had gone through (for obvious reasons, I mostly checked out FTM sites), and while I don't consider this a Transition Webpage in quite the same way, since it's mostly my musings and ramblings rather than clearly organized information (like this excellent and comprehensive website) or even thorough and easy to navigate transition photos/voice clips/etc (like KP's late, great, lamented but hopefully returning someday website).
Anyway, all that to lead into this, which is that someone commented a while back asking for book recommendations, and I've had a post saved in my Drafts folder since May of '07 about book recommendations, so here are some of my reviews of various trans related books (I'm linking the titles when I can to Powells.com, my favorite hometown independent bookstore). I'd love to see further thoughts on these books and/or additional recommendations in the comments.

*Whipping Girl, by Julia Serano. As I've mentioned many times before, this is an excellent and insightful read about transsexuality and feminism. Plenty of great theory and ideas in here, in accessible and sensible language, but it may be a bit much for someone with NO background in trans terminology/etc.

*Gender Outlaw, by Kate Bornstein. Kate Bornstein is my favorite and most authentic New York celebrity sighting- I was walking down Avenue A with my partner when we saw her walk past with some friends, looking fabulous in big- possibly leopard print? my memory is starting to fail me- sunglasses. Our jaws dropped and we turned to each other and said "Was that...?"
"Yes, it totally was!"
"Should we follow her??"

Fortunately we came to our senses and didn't stalk her through Alphabet City, but it was a fun moment.

Anyway, her book is awesome- it's got personal narrative in it, but also a lot of fresh and important insights about rejecting and resisting the Gender Police. As I recall, she's a playwright as well, and the book includes one of her plays at the end, as well, but I wasn't so excited about it. At least, I don't remember much about it. Anyway, a good read for a beginner, with plenty of focus on transgender and genderqueer issues.

*Becoming a visible man, by Jamison Green. This book was involved in one of my own personal a-ha moments. I vividly remember reading it on a bus in Portland, and thinking to myself "You're going to have to deal with this someday."

It's another great mixture of personal narrative with insight and exposition on Trans 101. His story is fairly classic- he transitioned from a lesbian identity in his late-ish 30s- but his prose is very engaging, and he's an outstanding activist who has done a lot of work on behalf of FTMs, through FTMI and other organizations.

*There are a few other books (Just add hormones, The Testosterone Files, and Both Sides Now) of a similar nature to Jamison's, that I remember reading and mostly enjoying but now (embarrassingly, perhaps) can't really tell apart in my memory. They all involve FTM guys who transitioned in their 30s-early 40s, and are mostly personal narrative. Which is great, and certainly helpful to try to get a broader understanding of different unique experiences, but don't make me inclined to re-read them. I will say that I found Testosterone Files to have some sexist stuff in it that I wasn't really a fan of , along the lines of "testosterone made me stare at boobs!" Sure, testosterone will change the quality and/or quality of one's sex drive, but that's no excuse for misogyny. But again, it's been a while since I read it, so I can't expound much further on that critique.

*Conundrum and Pleasures of a tangled life, by Jan Morris. A classic in MTF literature! I just love the way she writes, and the second book is actually a book of essays on a variety of topics, not just her transition. My mom loved her writing, too, and had both of those books on the shelf at home, and I read them when I was a young dyke and again with more resonance as I began considering transition. Conundrum is dated, of course (first published in 1976! with such a 70s cover, too! that's the edition we had at home.) and I remember being worried for a bit when first considering transition because I didn't have some of the "classic transsexual" hallmarks that Jan wrote so beautifully about, like knowing myself to be in the wrong body from a very early age. Still, it's an excellent classic and I definitely recommend it, if only for her beautiful way with words.

*What becomes you, by Aaron Raz Link and Hilda Raz. I enjoyed this book mostly because of the fact that it was co-written by this guy and his mother, a format I enjoyed and may someday utilize myself in the still-in-planning-stages memoir my sister and I are talking about. I actually enjoyed the mother's bits more than Aaron's because his sections, while beautiful in a lyrical way, could have seriously used an editor. So it's another interesting personal narrative, but I like it best for the fact that it's got his mother's viewpoints included as well.

*The First Man-Made Man, by Pagan Kennedy. I found this to be a fascinating bit of historical science writing and biography, and I was impressed with Michael Dillon's strength of character even as I found him to be a bit of a dislikeable chap. But hey, it's hard to put energy into being pleasant when every day is a struggle for survival, and I can't imagine how hard his life was. I don't remember whether the biographer was good/respectful about pronouns or not (often a concern with non-trans authors writing about trans stuff) but I think it was fine.

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Oh, and there are many many more, some of which can be found on this 'aisle' at Powell's.

I wish I had more time, I'd keep writing more, but it's back to work for me. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on these books and others!

trying not to sweat the small stuff

I just got a rejection letter for a job that I'd applied for and been genuinely excited and hopeful about- interesting field, new step for me, I've the relevant experience that made me expect to get an interview, etc. I'm naturally bummed about it, but what takes it just that one step beyond is the niggling worry that possibly, just possibly, I didn't get an interview because I outed myself as trans in my application.

Now, I realize that this thinking is way paranoid. It's entirely conceivable that my 'outing' myself from my perspective didn't even register for a non-trans-conscious HR person. Wanting to demonstrate my history of activism and workshop leadership skills, I put down TransMasculine Community Network: Member and National Trans Health Conference: Workshop Organizer on my resume. To me, and most GLBT-savvy folks, that screams "Trans guy!"

But since I also mentioned Gay-Straight Alliance: Founder, I suppose it's possible they could've just thought me regular old gay, and just super involved on behalf of all the letters of the GLBT community. And honestly, there ARE non-trans folks who are members of the TMC Network, and who presented at the Trans Health Conference.

Not to mention the fact that it's a bit much to jump to the conclusion that I didn't get an interview because the search committee didn't want to deal with a possibly Scary Tranny (my "passing" privilege or cissexual privilege -aka the fact that I am consistently perceived as male- doesn't come through on paper). It's most likely that the committee just had a bevy of qualified applicants, and picked the ones that had more experience or whatnot- and in this sketchy economy, I'm sure there's a glut of good applicants for every reasonably interesting job.

Still, I count it as one more tiny piece of transsexual baggage that I'm always going to have the voice in my head that worries about whether my transsexuality (or even just my commitment to trans equality) was perceived and held against me.
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It reminds me of an interesting conversation I observed recently about trans guys and body image issues. For many of us, we've got the same ol' body image issues as most guys have (hairline receding! gut! scrawny arms and legs! ack!), but there's a deeper underlying issue of dysphore for us that nurtures and goads those issues.

Sure, almost everyone looks in the mirror and finds something to take issue with. But most guys don't look in the mirror and see flaws that bring up the specter of (in my case) femaleness- not to put too melodramatic a point on it! But seriously, my angst about my love handles isn't just run of the mill love-handle-phobia, but is actually fairly inextricably layered with my angst about those love handles also accentuating my wide ("feminine/female") hips- another reminder of a body that I've had to wrestle with for years, and another point used against me for years when strangers looked for cues as to my gender and usually found those 'female' secondary sex characteristics pointing them in the wrong direction- much to my dismay, embarrassment, frustration, etc.

So, while sometimes a love handle is just a frustrating component of my summer beach body, sometimes it inexorably brings up bigger, more upsetting issues, and oh man, what'd I give for some old fashioned non-gender-dysphoria related body issues.

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Last but not least, I come to my other salt-in-the-wound trans moment of the day, which was that a coworker called to say she'd be late because she was held up at the Red Cross Blood Drive, waiting in line to give blood. Darn it, I wish I could still give blood! I really believe in it as an important civic contribution, and I'm not really convinced that the reasons given to me by the NY Blood Center as to why I should not give blood are valid. It's possible when I leave NYC I may try to donate again, since not all blood centers in the US have the same rules about differentiating between male and female plasma, but the guy told me I'd been put on a "permanently deferred donor" list for New York, and I suspect that those lists are shared nationwide via social security number or some such.

*sigh*